The Me Game
by Id
Summary: See these RPG characters compete! It's the greatest gameshow on earth!...But not really.


Writer's Note: This is a fanfic I wrote for no apparent reason quite some time ago. "Quite some time ago" meaning nearly two years ago. So, it should be noted that yes, all the characters are pretty old. It should also be noted that my writing style has changed since then, but since I haven't uploaded any stories since 2001, I don't know why it matters.  
  
Announcer: Good evening, all you RPG fans! Are you ready for excitement? Action? Thrills and chills?  
Audience: No!  
Announcer: Good! Tonight, live from Midgar, comes the most famous game show in existence! Welcome to THE ME GAME! We're going to bring out a group of contestants, so focused on themselves that you will want to vomit! Then, we'll make a mess of them! And, here's your host: CAAAAIIIIIIT SIIIIIIIIITH!  
Audience: Booo!  
Cait Sith: Hello! Let's introduce our players...  
First, from Final Fantasy 4, the ever famous spoony bard, Gilbert!  
*Curtain opens, revealing Gilbert holding a mirror and admiring self.*  
Gilbert: What? Where am I? What is this?  
Cait Sith: This is The Me Game, Gilbert.  
Gilbert: Never heard of it. Is it about me?  
Cait Sith: Our next contestant, from Final Fantasy 6, the well known enemy. Is it safe for men his age to be wearing make up and dresses? It's Kefka!  
*Another curtain opens. Kefka is wearing a large dress, and holding a compact and putting on make up*  
Kefka: ...What? You asshole! This isn't a dress! I HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE YOU!  
Cait Sith: Whatever. Our next candidate, the cool cute guy from Final Fantasy 7, girls, make some noise for SEPHIROTH!  
*Third curtain goes up, revealing Sephiroth wearing sunglasses, tight black jeans, and a leather jacket*  
Sephiroth: I am ultimate.  
Cait Sith: ...What the hell are you wearing? Our next contestant comes to us from the year 600 AD. Is it a man? Is it a women? It's just Flea!  
*Fourth curtain rises, revealing Flea admiring self*  
Flea: Indeed, I have beauty, and beauty is POWER!  
Cait Sith *Muttering*: I could kick your ass any d--Oh, our final contestant, all the way from the mystical land of Lunar, with a voice so annoying that you'll want to go out and buy a gun. Nash!  
*Last curtain goes up. Nash is combing his hair*  
Nash: Hey! Don't mock my voice! I'm the greatest mage EVER!  
Cait Sith: Oh, shut up.  
Anyway, now that we have introduced our candidates, let the show begin!  
Audience: Booo!  
Cait Sith: Quiet! Our first game is called the mud run.  
*A curtain pulls away, revealing a long path. Covering the path are various puddles of mud*  
Nash: What the hell is this?  
Kefka: That's pure evil!  
Sephiroth: I'll dirty my jeans!  
Gilbert: ...And I think I just did!  
Cait Sith: The contestants must run through this path, avoiding the mud puddles. The first one to get to the end will be the winner. If you fall in the mud, you will lose ten points. Get ready, get set, go!  
*Sephiroth starts running, taking huge leaps over the mud. Kefka holds up the bottom of his dress...err, dress-like clothes, and tiptoes through. Nash chases after Sephiroth. Gilbert uses hide. Flea begins to levitate over the mud, moving very quickly.*  
Flea: I'm gonna win, I'm gonna win! Hey you! Get out of my way! *Shoves Nash into the mud*  
Nash: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! *Nash falls into the mud. It splatters all over his face and his clothes, and his hair is filled with the dirty liquid*  
*Flea passes Sephiroth, and reaches the finish first. Then comes Sephiroth, and finally Kefka. Gilbert is still in hiding*  
Cait Sith: The winner of this round is...FLEA!  
Audience: Booo!  
Cait Sith: In second is Sephiroth, third is Kefka, fourth is...hey! Where the hell is Gilbert?  
Gilbert: Right here!  
Cait Sith: Get out here! Fourth is Gilbert, and in last place is Nash. Of course, that was just a warm up round, and the points really mean nothing.  
Flea: WHAT?  
Nash: I hate this game!  
Cait Sith: No one cares. On to our next round! The water balloon fight!  
*Five assistants bring on buckets full of water balloons*  
Kefka: No! No water! My clothes will shrink! My...my make up!  
Cait Sith: Oh, quit whining. Now, the loser of this game will be disqualified! Whoever gets hit with the most balloons loses. And no hiding this time Gilbert! Get ready, get set, go!  
*Kefka ducks behind his bucket as everyone starts lobbing water balloons at each other. However, they're all awful shots, and manage to miss. Sephiroth notices Kefka*  
Sephiroth: Hey! Look! An easy target! Everyone, get him!  
Kefka: ...Uh oh.  
*The other four contestants surround Kefka, and throw water balloons down at him. Kefka lays out sprawled on the floor, sobbing as he gets soaked*  
Kefka: Just leave me alone! Go away!  
Cait Sith: Time up! You can stop! STOP HITTING HIM WITH WATER BALLOONS!  
*Everyone suddenly stops and stares at Cait Sith. Sephiroth throws a water balloon at Cait, and soaks him*  
Audience: Yay!  
Cait Sith: Shut yer holes! Sephiroth, NEVER do that again!  
Sephiroth: Whatever.  
Cait Sith: Kefka, you have been disqualified.  
Kefka *Still sobbing*: Just...get...me out of here...  
*Assistants walk in, pick up Kefka, and carry him off*  
Cait Sith: Because he lost, Kefka is going to be locked up for the remainder of his life, wearing only a prisoner's uniform and no make up.  
Nash: Wait a minute! I thought this was just a game! I never said I would do any of this!  
Cait Sith: The producers added it at the last moment.  
Sephiroth: Now I gotta win!  
Flea: No, I'm gonna win!  
Gilbert: I think I dirtied my pants again...  
Cait Sith: On to our next obstacle course. The wind tunnel!  
*Another curtain raises, revealing a path where wind is blowing at a rather slow speed*  
Cait Sith: You must navigate the wind tunnel to win. However, two people will be eliminated in this game!  
Sephiroth: Big deal. Looks easy to me. I mean, the wind is barely moving.  
Cait Sith: However, there is one rule. If you touch your hair, you will be AUTOMATICALLY DISQUALIFIED!  
*Look of terror crosses the faces of Nash and Flea*  
Nash: NOOOOOOOO! I'M DOOMED!  
Flea: My precious hair will be blown everywhere!  
Sephiroth: Two words: hair gel. I'm gonna win!  
Gilbert: Haha, I have a hat!  
Nash: That's one damn ugly hat! GIVE IT TO ME!  
*Nash starts chasing Gilbert, but is tripped by Cait Sith*  
Cait Sith: No stealing! You are NOT Locke Cole!  
Locke: CALL ME A TREASURE HUNTER OR I'LL RIP YOUR LUNGS OUT!  
Cait Sith: What the hell? You're not in this story!  
Locke: I'm not?  
*Locke suddenly vanishes into thin air*  
Writer: Sorry, I lost track  
Cait Sith: That's okay. Anyway, get ready! Get set! GO!  
*Sephiroth begins running, his hair held down by gel. Gilbert follows shortly behind, his hair being protected by his hat. Nash and Flea move slowly, trying to avoid the wind currents. Flea's hair starts flying in the air, and then lands in front of its eyes*  
Flea: I can't see!  
*Flea reaches up to brush it away from its eyes, and a group of assistants instantly leaps upon it and drags it out of the wind tunnel. Sephiroth is acting careless, and trips, and Gilbert falls over him. Nash manages to get through the wind tunnel, and begins running. The finish line is only twenty yards away, no wind at all*  
Nash: I'm going to win! I can't believe it! Ahahahahahahahaha!  
*A sudden unexpected gust of wind flies at Nash. His hair begins to fly through the air, and gets messed up. Nash instantly tries to fix it, and then realizes what he did*  
Nash: Oh no!  
*Nash falls to his knees, holding his hands up. He then falls face down on the ground. Assistants drag him off stage. Sephiroth and Gilbert struggle past the finish line*  
Cait Sith: Our winners! Sephiroth and Gilbert!  
Sephiroth: I can taste my victory! Haha!  
Gilbert: You still gotta beat me, Sephy!  
Cait Sith: Our newest losers will have their arms tied tightly behind their backs with their brand new straight jackets, and then our master hair stylists will...LET THEIR HAIR GROW INTO A MULLET!!  
Sephiroth: Wow! That's sadistic! That's pure evil! Hell, that's even worse than me trying to destroy the entire world!  
Gilbert: I MUST win...  
Cait Sith: Now, for our final challenge! It is a passage with a few mirrors scattered here and there, and your job is to get through it WITHOUT LOOKING AT THE MIRRORS!  
Sephiroth: Ha! I can easily pass a few mirrors here and there!  
Gilbert: This'll be easy!  
*The final curtain pulls up, revealing a hall, with all the walls made up entirely of mirrors. The Psycho music plays as Sephiroth and Gilbert cower in fear*  
Gilbert: ...I think I dirtied myself again...  
Cait Sith: Oh, get a grip.  
Sephiroth: What kind of sadistic human being thought up this...this...evil device of torture?  
Cait Sith: Oh, shut up. Get ready, get set, GO!  
*The two wander slowly into the hall. Sephiroth closes his eyes, and holds his hands out in front of him, groping for the exit. Gilbert pulls his hat down low over his eyes*  
Sephiroth: I...I can't see my beautiful body!  
Gilbert: I'm prettier than you! This is a travesty! I...I...I can't do this much longer!  
Cait Sith *Off to the side, muttering*: This is the most pathetic I've ever witnessed in my whole damn life.  
Audience: Booo!  
Cait Sith: Oh, just go and die!  
Audience: Booo!  
Gilbert: I...CAN'T...TAKE THIS ANYMORE!!!  
*Gilbert turns and looks at self in mirror. He sighs with relief*  
Gilbert: I'm beautiful!  
*Assistants grab Gilbert, and drag him away from the mirror*  
Gilbert: No! I can't see myself!  
Cait Sith: About damn time. Sephiroth wins! Gilbert will be thrown into a prison with absolutely no shiny objects so he can't look at himself!  
Sephiroth: Thank you all! Thank you! You like me, you really like me! Gosh gee golly, I like me too!  
*Sephiroth starts hugging a mirror with a big smile on his face*  
Cait Sith: Okay, this is too messed up for me.  
*Cait Sith runs away*  
Audience: Yay!  
Sephiroth: What's my prize?  
*Suddenly, a huge meteor falls on Sephiroth, and he is instantly crushed and killed*  
Audience: Yay!  
Announcer: Thank you, thank you! We hope you enjoyed The Me Show, and tune in again, as we stop more--  
*Announcer suddenly explodes for absolutely no known reason*  
Audience: Yay!  
Locke: Umm...what the hell was that?  
Editor: I'm the editor. I can do anything I want.  
Locke: Oh. 


End file.
